So, you want your favourite singer to write a song about you, but she has no idea that you even exist.

What you will need: 1 x Superman t-shirt, 3 x Tough Guys, 1 x Van, Basic Fighting Skills.

Step One: Start by locating the singer. Until Google releases its Celebrity Locator program, the best tool you have at your disposal is Twitter. Celebrities often use Twitter to announce their exact location to the world.

Step Two: When the singer is leaving her location signal for the three tough guys to attack her and steal her handbag/purse/petty cash. Depending on the singer’s level of fame, she might have a bodyguard. Increase the toughness of your guys accordingly.

Step Three: Wearing your Superman t-shirt stop the singer from being attacked. Use basic fighting techniques to subdue the tough guys.

Step Four: It is vital that during the fight you are hit in the mouth, causing your lip to tear on your teeth. Unless you have some kind of blood disorder you should now bleed heavily from the mouth.

Step Five: Once you become victorious the attackers should run away. At this point you should shout the words “You’d better run.”

Step Six: Ideally the singer would have been pushed to the floor during the attack. After the attackers have fled you can help her up by grabbing her hands. This physical contact soon after an attack will form a strong bond between the two of you. Show no signs that you know who the singer is.

Step Seven: The singer will look upon your chest and see the Superman logo and it will be impossible for her to resist saying something like “You’re a hero.” Play this down by saying “It’s just a t-shirt”. She will be impressed by your modesty. In her mind you and Superman will now be linked. Under no circumstances must you swap the Superman t-shirt for the full costume. And it has to be Superman. Do not risk wearing a Batman t-shirt, because of his mental health issues.

Step Eight: Offer to walk the singer wherever she’s going. She will prefer to get a taxi, but all of her money will now be in the possession of the attackers. If she persists in asking for a taxi, simply say “I’m pretty sure those guys were taxi drivers.”

Step Nine: As you walk with her be as charming as possible. If you are not a charming person simply adopt the personality of a Will Smith or Owen Wilson type character. Do not use an accent unless you can maintain it consistently.

Step Ten: As you chat away, seemingly oblivious to your singer’s fame, she will find the whole experience a refreshing change. She will open up in ways she never thought possible since her rise to stardom. Using information you’ve picked up from her interviews, make yourself seem like her ideal lover. For example, if you know that she likes cats, comment on how good you think cats are.

Step Eleven: When you arrive at the destination she will have developed feelings of a romantic nature for you. As you say goodbye she will want to kiss you. This is why it is important for your lip to be bleeding. Kissing will not be an option. It will cause her to be frustrated.

Step Twelve: As you walk off, turn around and call back to her, something that references one of her songs. She will be amazed that you knew who she was the whole time. These words will also be the signal to the van that has been following you both.

Step Thirteen: The van containing the three tough guys must now pull up alongside you. Two should get out and proceed to beat you up. Once you are beaten into a bloody pulp, they should pick you up and throw you into the back of the van, not before one of them shouts “Dammit, Danny, you’ve killed another one.”

Step Fourteen: Your favourite singer will now be heartbroken. She will never get that kiss. Wanting to avoid a media scandal she will not report these events to the police. It would be bad for her career to be connected to a murder. Instead she will go into her room and do the only thing she knows how – she will write a song about the man who died saving her life, the man she never got to kiss.

Step Fifteen: Wait for the singer to release her latest album. Listen to it until you hear a song that references the events of steps 2-13. It should be easily identifiable, because it will contain the line “I didn’t even know his name.”

Notes: You will have reservations about doing this, because you will have seen this tactic used in every single sitcom, always with terrible results, but this is real life and it will work. It’s advisable not to try this any anyone who is too famous.

So, you’re in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn’t have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend’s house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend’s bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what’s happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it’s September 15th she will say ‘September 15th’ to which you must reply ‘No, what year is it?’

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words ‘It worked.’ Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask ‘What worked?’, even if she doesn’t ask this question it is important that you now say the words ‘(Insert Friend’s Name), I’m from the future’ in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you’ve come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part – The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It’s up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You’ve come back in time because you can’t help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn’t been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren’t about to have sex with her. You’re naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you’ve had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn’t know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren’t entirely sure if what you’ve done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

I’m hesitant to post this, but I really need the some advice on what could be one of the most dramatic decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I suspect that my wife has been cheating on me for some time now…

So far it’s the usual warning flags… the caller hangs up if I answer the phone when it rings.

My woman has been “going out with the girls” much more lately but when I ask their names she just says, “Some friends from work you don’t know yet.”

I stay up late to look for the taxi bringing her home, but she always walks down the drive as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner, since I can hear a car somewhere. I really think she’s isn’t arriving by taxi…

Once I picked up her cell phone to see what time it was and she went crazy and told me that I should never touch her phone again and got all defensive about “why was I checking up on her?”

You can see I’m nervous to bring up the subject with my wife because I think deep down I’m not sure I want to admit truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to get to the bottom of things.

I decided to hide out near the bushes in the front yard so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, sitting in the bushes with my wireless laptop, that I decided my PC is too damn slow and needs an update.

So should I finally start using Windows Vista or do you think I should keep using XP?

I am really suprised that i didn`t had any picdumps before… From now it will be more of them . And first one will be about Photobombers. So , without further adoo:

Dear Internet Porn,

These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration… I don’t feel like we are the same anymore. We just don’t have that passion we used to.

When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn’t listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality.

As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to cover my girlfriend’s face, put it up her ass, choke her.

But that’s when I realized your dark secret, Internet Porn. You aren’t real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants a load on her face! Anal sex hurts and humiliates, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me.

I know it isn’t all bad. You’ve taught me so much. I can surf the internet with either hand and I know all the keyboard shortcuts for my browser. I know positions that aren’t even in the Kamasutra. But you have such a dark side. I’ve been late for work more than once and I find myself wanting to jerkoff at six in the morning. That’s what you’ve done to me.

Even now, on the eve of Christ’s birth, I sit hunched over my computer, penis in hand. I had to turn the nativity scene around so that Jesus wouldn’t see your filth. Try as I might, I can never hide you well enough either. It is harder to find you squirreled away on my hard drive than it is to get into my online bank account. Yet there is always lingering evidence. I’ve told you time and again to stop leaving your things at my place. But you ALWAYS forget something: a shortcut here, an unclear history there.

There’s no acceptance when you are discovered either. It might have been ok when we started – just innocent flirting with softcore. But now my girlfriends discover my asphyxiation collection, or that one goat video. I hate that you always invite your shadiest friends over when you come.

So I have one request. I know I can’t get rid of you… you are the psychopathic stalker to my teenage horror film. But if you won’t leave me alone, can you at least do me one favor? If I ever die, can you please format my hard drive? All of them? If you can’t do that, just burn my place down. My family can never know of my shame.

- Your shamed lover

Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately

on all beer containers.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a dickhead.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can’t remember)

Warning : Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning : Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.